I Am Ready to Be Japan's Next Prime Minister: William Pesek

Commentary by William Pesek

Sept. 2 (Bloomberg) -- Here's a pub quiz expatriates in Tokyo pull out around the time the third bottle of sake arrives: Quick, name Japan's last five prime ministers.

Americans put on the spot in a comparable way need to reach back to 1977 and Jimmy Carter. Brits need to think back to James Callaghan in 1976, Germans to Walter Scheel in 1974 and Chinese to Deng Xiaoping -- also in the 1970s.

Japanese only need to remember Keizo Obuchi in 1998. At the moment, Japan has had as many leaders since then as Italy. Once a replacement is chosen for Yasuo Fukuda, who quit yesterday after less than a year in the job, Japanese will only need to look back to 2000 to name their last five leaders.

What does it say about a Group of Seven economy that presents investors with a revolving door of hapless leaders?

Well fear not intrepid Japanese. You too, investors who plowed back into Japan these last six years thinking it was the buy of the decade. For I have a solution to your troubles -- I humbly put forth my name for consideration.

Okay, it technically can't happen, as I'm not Japanese and my language skills are questionable. I'm under the age of 65, which is pretty much how old one needs to be even to be considered.

But hey, why not take a chance? If a first-term governor of Alaska can be considered for vice president of the world's biggest economy, why not let an inexperienced gaijin lead the second-largest?

I have my acceptance speech all worked out. Here goes.

Aso's Prospects

My Japanese friends, we have once again seen the side effects of playing this game of ``Let's Have a New Prime Minister Every 12 Months.'' It's not helping Japan's image overseas. A clear sign of that is how the world yawned at Fukuda-san's sudden departure on Monday.

Now, there was talk of Taro Aso as the next PM, but was that really what you wanted? Sure, the former foreign minister has a certain charisma with voters longing for some leadership. But come on, do you really think this gaffe-prone politician would have lasted much longer than Fukuda's 11 months?

Remember the last, last prime minister, Shinzo Abe, lasted about that long. Abe proved no match for the ascendant Democratic Party of Japan, which wrested control of the upper house of parliament from the Liberal Democratic Party in July 2007.

Koizumi's Return?

There was also talk of bringing back Japan's most famous Elvis Presley fan: Junichiro Koizumi. I'll say it again: C'mon. You have to love a guy who from 2001 to 2006 actually told banks to dispose of their bad loans after a decade of delay tactics. And give Koizumi his due for trying to reduce public-works spending and privatize enterprises like Japan Post.

Yet the romanticized view of ``Koizumi the reformer'' is wildly overdone. He was more talk than reality, highlighting what Japan needed to do to then leaving it to his successors to do it. Would Koizumi really have stepped back into the thick of things to grapple with the world's largest public debt, a shrinking population and stagflation?

Koizumi, after all, went out on a global high. The last most folks outside Japan saw of him was his visit to Elvis's house in Memphis in 2006. Who can forget the bewildered look on President George W. Bush's face as Koizumi donned Elvis's sunglasses and played air guitar? Koizumi would have to be dragged back into power kicking and screaming (given his love of Elvis, shaking his hips, too).

My Platform

But not me. I'm ready to lead, and here's what I plan to do. I'll announce a new fiscal stimulus package every few months, all paid for with fresh borrowing. I'll avoid any major revamp of the corporate tax system. If companies want to set up shop in Hong Kong and Singapore over a little thing like uncompetitive tax rates, then so be it. And I won't bother making it easier for start-up companies. Entrepreneurs are just so high maintenance, aren't they?

I pledge to give you more of the same. Top cabinet posts will go to the people who really deserve them: my friends. I will spend untold billions of dollars of public funds through contracts at my friends' companies. I will build roads, bridges and dams no one needs. I will champion the construction of museums and other white elephants in the countryside that no one visits. Concrete Economics is back.

Saving the LDP

And, I will champion the next generation of Japan's leadership -- young guys in their late 50s! I would mention some female empowerment stuff here, but who would believe such talk from a Japanese leader?

And there you have it -- my pledge to protect the status quo and save the ruling LDP. Never mind that there's nothing liberal or democratic about the crowd that's run Japan for all but 10 months since 1955.

Avoiding change at all costs is what your leaders have been doing. I'll deliver more of just that -- at least until you replace me in 12 months.

(William Pesek is a Bloomberg News columnist. The opinions expressed are his own.)

To contact the writer of this column: William Pesek in Tokyo at wpesek@bloomberg.net